7 Ways to Screw up Your Kids
1. Don’t Tell Them You Love Them
You do enough for your kids already so you shouldn’t have to be bothered with telling them that you love them. Who needs to be told that they are loved anyway? Especially not kids! We need to teach them that this is a tough and cold world and the best place to start that is at home.
2. Don’t Eat Meals Together
When you eat meals together there is often the urge to talk and discuss your day with the other people present. This should be avoided at all costs! Instead you should either eat meals at separate times or at the very least eat as fast as you possibly can so your mouth is so full of food you couldn’t even talk if you wanted to.
3. Don’t Spend One-On-One Time With Them
They say that the average parent spends about 7 minutes per day with their child. Do not be that average! Try to spend even less time with them. This way they won’t get too attached to you and you don’t have to concern yourself with the petty things that are going on in their little boring lives.
4. Disrespect Your Spouse in Front of Them
Take every opportunity to criticize, berate, humiliate and argue with your spouse in front of your kids. This helps them to realize that nothing in life is secure and stable not even your relationships. This also server the purpose of teaching them to be disrespectful to your spouse as well which is a great way of making yourself look like the better parent. If you happen to get upset with your spouse and your kids are not around, do the mature thing, hold off your argument until the kids are there and can enjoy watching the whole thing!
5. Embarrass Them Publicly
There nothing quite like public humiliation to destroy the ego of those little buggers. Feel free to make fun of them, call them names, swear at them, tell them they are a loser, laugh at them, tell embarrassing stories about them and basically anything else you can think of to demoralize them. This has the added benefit of making you feel like a superior human being.
6. Don’t Discipline Them
Discipline has the unfortunate ability to help your child know the difference between right and wrong. That is a total waste of time! Just let them do whatever they want. Never correct, advise or discipline them. You want their idea of right and wrong to be as blurred as possible. If you ever feel the need to discipline your children make sure you do it in anger and don’t explain to your kids why they are being disciplined, it’s better to keep them off balance a little.
7. Give Them Everything They Want
Spoiled rotten kids are what we are looking for here. Give them absolutely everything they want. Sure, they will be ungrateful for all of it, but that’s the goal. This way they will never appreciate anything and they will always want more, more, more! It’s best to not ever say “no” to them at all, because you want to teach them that “no” is a bad word. This way when they are older and someone says “no” to them they will have the opportunity to throw an adult temper-tantrum and you will all be in for a treat!
If for some bizarre reason you actually want to be a good parent and not screw up your kids you could do the opposite of the above advice. But where is the fun in that?
Thanks Judah, Enjoying the posts that approach really serious topics in a way that makes me think…and laugh!