Top 10 Ways to Accomplish Nothing
1. Set Too Many Goals
If you prefer to look busy while staying ineffective you should ignore the rule above and actually set way more goals that you could ever complete in 17 lifetimes. This way when someone asks what you are up to you can impress them with your huge list and they will be very understanding that you haven’t actually accomplished anything. It is wise to add some new things to the list every so often so if someone asks about a specific goal you can say that something else came up and you can tell them about your new goals.
Set Too Many Goals
2. Check Email Every Time it Comes in.
There is nothing more important in your day than the sound that plays when you get a new email. This is the perfect opportunity to stop whatever you are working on and read it. Who know, maybe a Nigerian dignitary is emailing you to tell you about a boatload of money you just inherited, and you certainly don’t want to miss that!
Check Email Every Time it Comes in
3. Answer Every Phone Call
You must realize that your phone does not belong to you it belongs to everyone else. It is the best way for them to get in touch with you so you must never shut it off and you must always drop everything to answer it whenever it rings. If you want to take this another step further feel free to post your number on various websites and forums so you will always have an endless supply of calls.
Answer Every Phone Call
4. Embrace Multitasking
If you focus on only one thing you might be able to do it in a short period of time. Concentrated time and energy are not your friend. Instead make sure to have at least five or more projects going so that as soon as you start making progress on one task you can switch to another. By the time you get back to the original task it will take an extended period of time to find out where you left off.
Embrace Multitasking
5. Set distant deadlines
For the goals that you do choose to keep make sure that you set the deadlines far in the future. Or better yet, don’t give them deadlines at all. The absolute worst thing you can do is set really short deadlines because that makes you work way too hard and actually finish the task.
Set Distant Deadlines
6. Over-Research Everything
Never make a decision until you have researched every possible bit of information available. Thanks to the Internet you now have years worth of research at your fingertips, so never make a decision until you have read it all, multiple times if needed. Doing this allows you to substitute research for actually doing work.
Over Research Everything
7. Make Every Task Really Important
Don’t bother prioritizing your tasks and goals. Just make them all super important. If you have to buy a new nose hair trimmer you should make it just as important as fixing that annoying “check engine” light on your dashboard or getting a root canal. This way you don’t feel guilty if you just do the easiest things because they are all so so so important.
Make Every Task Really Important
8. Let Others Set Your Schedule
Don’t bother planning out your day, week or life. Instead just check your email in the morning and see what ideas other people have. If you didn’t get any good ideas doing that you can always go on Facebook and see
what your friends are doing and you could post a cute picture of a kitty or of Gene Wilder with a funny caption.
Let Others Set Your Schedule
9. Wait for Opportunities to Show Up
Do you want a new job? A new house? A new direction in life? Don’t go looking for it, that will only cause trouble! Instead wait for opportunities to show up at your door and smash it down like a SWAT team looking for a bookie. If no opportunities show up, that’s even better. Then you can say “I always wanted to do _____” and no one will blame you for not actually doing it, because you never got the opportunity.
Wait for Opportunities to Show Up
10. Procrastinate everything
Procrastinate everything you possible can! Make this your mantra in life: Anything worth doing is worth doing tomorrow. Today is a day for ease and fun, tomorrow is the day for work. Today’s time is best used playing video games, following endless YouTube trails, posting witty political slogans and reading the news.
Procrastinate Everything
